King Koopa Issues Demands in the Form of a Wedding Invitation

TOADSTOOL CASTLE, MUSHROOM KINGDOM — At long last, King Bowser Koopa has revealed his plans for the abducted Princess Toadstool.

However, in lieu of a ransom note, which Royalands villains traditionally send after a kidnapping, Koopa instead dispatched wedding invitations to his allies, rulers of the Royalands’ major kingdoms, the press, and select members of the Mushroom Kingdom court. 

The invitation claims that King Koopa and Princess Peach Toadstool will marry in a lavish ceremony at Koopa Castle on April 30. Children and plus-ones are not allowed.

The invitation also contains a URL pointing to an online gift registry, which is where Koopa lays out his demands. The registry includes such items as “formal recognition of the Darklands, with the Koopa family named as its official royal family,” “a permanent seat on the Kings’ Council,” and “the immediate withdrawal of Mushroom Kingdom troops from Koopa-occupied territories.”

The Kings’ Council does not currently consider the Koopa homeland, the Darklands, an official Royalands kingdom. Adding a new kingdom to the Royalands charter requires approval from two-thirds of the Kings’ Council’s 527 members.

Koopa captured Princess Toadstool, the de facto ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom, a week ago.

A legal matter

Legal experts say that Koopa will receive most of the items on the registry, including the 10-piece stainless steel cookware set, simply by marrying Princess Toadstool. However, Bowser must overcome one obstacle first: he must find a way to make Toadstool say “I do” in order to make the union official.

Koopa could potentially potentially solve this problem via magic. “A talented wizard could make the princess say anything Koopa wants, I think,” says The Great Toadalini, a local magician. “I don’t actually understand how it works. You know I perform at birthday parties, right?”

For now, Mushroom Kingdom authorities are treating the invitation like a standard ransom note. “No, I’m not attending the wedding,” said Chancellor Toadsworth, who’s serving as acting regent of the Mushroom Kingdom in Princess Toadstool’s absence. “Well, maybe. If I can find a date.”